Friday, November 11, 2011

No, No, No, NO!

2011, you were a good season.  2012, I expect you to be even better.  To do this, I have to make a few sacrifices.  For example, I'm not training or racing again until after finals week.  Of course this is when my friends all say things like "Hey, I'm going to go on this sweet 80 mile endurance ride tomorrow.  Want to join?" Or "We're going to go do this mountain bike trail that you really want to do!"  Or my favorite, "there's a cross race tomorrow at the Velopark that's going to be all muddy and they'll give you free beer and waffles!"  I'm finding the phrase "Thanks, but I'm not allowed to have fun right now" to be very useful.

Speaking of waffles and things I'm not supposed to do, I am dieting right now.  Some people would believe that I lose weight while I'm riding my bike on a regular basis, but they'd be wrong.  When I ride, I feel really good about myself and the calories that I've burned.  I also realize that if I want to ride again tomorrow and the day after that, I need to fuel myself.  I really enjoy fueling myself.  Many strips of bacon are consumed and many trips to Betos are taken.  I tend to overdo it and gain a few pounds over the course of the season.  From now until about mid-February is the time that I drop that weight and as much as I can so that I can eat my brains out for the eight months after that.  Without further ado, my Ingenious Weight Loss Miracle Plan (tm):
  1. Find a really awesome food that you really like to eat.  For me, there are a lot.  Most of them are cheese.
  2. Weigh yourself when you wake up in the morning.  I like to eat breakfast, rapidly lose the weight gained from that (I'm talking about pooping here), then weigh myself.  That's just how I do things.
  3. Do your every day thing.  Way to do that stuff that you do!
  4. Weigh yourself when you go to bed.
  5. If you weigh less than you did this morning, way to go!  Keep on living your life!
  6. If you weigh more, don't eat any more of that food that you really like.
For me, most of the foods that I really like fall squarely in the "don't eat" category of the Paleo Diet.  For those of you that don't know, the Paleo Diet consists only of foods that our cavemen ancestors could find and eat.  This is mostly meat, fruit, vegetables, and nuts.  While these foods are awesome, I really like cheese.  And bread.  And pasta.  And Nutella.

Another recent development in my life is that I rented my car out to a friend.  My reasoning for this is that I don't really need a car, but I do enjoy having money.  I thought that I'd share some of my observations on being carless:
  • My friends are cool.  They let me sit in their cars and drive to bike races.
  • There are times that cars (or at least a bike trailer) are needed.  I'm talking to you Propane Tank.
  • WinCo by bike is awesome.  First of all, you can park right next to the front door.  Second, you start planning your purchases less by price and more by what will fit in your backpack.  Third and best, I can totally out-green the ladies that bring their own grocery bags.  I always knock the self-satisfaction right out of them when I set my backpack with my helmet clipped to it opposite of them in the bagging area.
  • I spend less money.  Obviously on the car related stuff, but there's more since it takes more effort to get to places that take money in exchange for stuff.  WinCo is right on my way home from work, so it's pretty easy, but making a trip to Target or Wal-Mart requires some time and planning.
  • Drive-Thrus that won't serve bikes are really annoying.  MY MONEY WORKS JUST AS WELL AS THE FATTY IN THE CAR!
The last thing on my list of things is that I was temporarily without a computer.  I was doing my usual activities of playing FreeCell on my couch when I decided that it was time to go to the bathroom.  I stood up and began walking towards the bathroom when I felt the power cord across my foot.  The laptop got pulled onto the floor.  I tried turning it back on and it told me that it could not find the operating system.  My guys is that it went out the Window (get it?).  Whatever it was, it was not awesome.  Being computerless is not a good way to live.  Some things cannot be easily done with a smartphone.  Have you ever tried creating complex spreadsheets on a phone?  It's possible but terrible.  So I called Lenovo and asked for assistance.  The guy told me to punch some numbers into the Googles and download the first result onto a USB drive.  So I did that, then plugged that into my computer.  Then magic happened.  My computer came to life just like I had left it, including my 1965 game FreeCell winning streak.

See!



Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Give to BSU Cycling or I'll be Smarter than Usual

Over the past 3 weekends, I've become a bit of a crowd favorite in the local cyclocross scene.  In the first weekend of the Waffle Cross Series, it rained a lot.  This made for a muddy Sunday race, which made me really bad at staying upright.  After about a half a lap, I realized that people were just going to go faster than me.  I decided to work on my skills and try to ride everything as quickly as I could until I fell over.  There was an off camber corner right behind the announcer's table and registration tent that I fell over nearly every lap (nailed it the last time though).  After entertaining all the nearby spectators for the entire race, the promoters named the corner after me.  Here's the end result:


The next weekend was much sunnier, but that still didn't stop me from entertaining.  Here's my recipe for ridiculousness:

  • Gold Shorts



  • High Speed Barricades
End Result:


You're welcome.

I'm still waiting for some good photos (I'll post them as they come in) from this weekend but since it was Halloween, I stepped the costume up a notch.

You get the idea
Also, I fell in the creek crossing.

The whole reason I'm telling these stories is this: I'm tired of doing it for free.  So here's the deal:

If you (the general public) donates $500 or more to BSU Cycling in the month of November, I'll do Kringle Kross on December 18th (last year's high was 41 degrees) in nothing but the gold shorts.  Since I am Brian Parker, there's a pretty good chance of me doing something stupid.  Not a fan of the gold shorts?  The highest bidder picks the costume!  Speedo?  Sure!  Borat man-thong?  Of course!  Bikini?  Definitely!  Gorilla suit?  You bet!  My only requirement is that it doesn't lead to me being thrown in jail.  Beyond that, get creative and support Boise State Cycling!

I'm trying to simplify this process, but Club Sports doesn't really like it when I modernize systems.  In the meantime, do the following to donate:

  • Make check payable to "BSU Foundation"
  • Enclose check with a note indicating that the check is a gift to Boise State Cycling Club
  • Mail the note to the following address:
Boise State University Foundation
1910 University Drive
Boise, Idaho 83725-1030
  • It is important to use the 9-digit zip code
  • Foundation will automatically mail back a receipt indicating that the contribution is tax-deductible
  • Send me an email to brianparker@u.boisestate.edu with some sort of proof of the amount you donated and your costume idea.  I'll let you know if you've been outbid and tell you to step your game up!  The highest total donor (not individual donation) will be the winner, so you can bid your way to the top.
Help us race bikes and help me make a fool of myself!